Note from BW of Brazil: So the debate continues. I know that some people will ask why the necessity of covering the topic of black female solitude. The simple response would be that so many black women are talking about this. Between personal discussions, continuous debates in social networks over the topic and the personal messages that I receive, it is a topic that is simply too important to ignore. An issue can never be resolved without an open discussion and debate.
Just in the past few days this author received messages from a black woman and a black man pointing the finger at the other party. The woman informed me of a black man who circulates and is well-known in black militant circles. She went on to explain how he may have a good name among his male friends, but among black women he has developed a reputation for treating women in ways that are beyond disrespectful. The accusations? He maintains sexual relations with various women (some of whom he video records the escapades), has children with them and doesn’t support them. On the other hand, I received a message from a black man about “angry black women” who insist on blaming black men for the single status of so many black women.
The shame is that I receive reports of this sort from various cities around Brazil and with both sides pointing fingers and making accusations, the divide between BM/BW continues to grow. Some would argue that this divide has always existed and is too wide to mend now. One black woman in Rio told me that after waiting for a black man for so long and consistently being either ignored or hurt, she finally threw in the towel and married a white man. Of course the “universalists” out there will ask, “what’s the problem with that?” Well, one, “universalism” doesn’t solve the problems of the black community. And two, individually there’s no problem, but separate yourself from this belief for a second and ask this question: what benefit does widespread miscegenation bring to the black community? This is not the place for that debate so here are the thoughts of another black woman.
I, black woman and one certainty
by Cris Santana
Sometimes it’s hard to touch on such a sensitive issue, especially when the one addressing the subject is the one who experiences it. But today, I have in mind this very dark (situation). We need to talk only of the loneliness of black women, but also of the anxiety that surrounds most of us, the certainty that we will grow old alone.
Many of us, young women still, already have a notion of this mark. It seems to burn and together with it, it has a lot of history, a lot of pain, being passed over, physical violence, abuse, lies … fears.
Are we going to die alone?
Our mothers and our grandmothers suffered in silence for years, they accepted all kinds of submission in return for maintaining failed marriages next to our fathers to give us the minimum of a good education and comfort. My mother managed to break free of my father’s abuse, but since then, only she knows what she suffered raising two young children alone, how much hunger we went through and how many insults that she had to hear even from her own family.
My mother died alone without a partner and without the least bit of respect or affection.
I recently discovered that I have a very strong difficulty in involving myself in romantic relationships. And then, here is the preoccupation that comes to my mind “Will I end up like mainha (my mother)?” I don’t want this for me and I’ve been fighting to reverse this situation, but that aiming at the financial issue investing in education with dedication to achieve the first step which is getting into college – I live alone, but I’ll live with money!!
I know where I’m going I won’t take anything, but what I expect is to at least have dignity and good living conditions and that my son is well.
But what about the affectionate side, how will it go? I can’t see the solution.
There were so many abuses, aggressions of various forms, the levity coming from my old brief relationships and that insistently lasted. Our partners don’t make reflections on our experiences, they think that we are dramatic and radical and this obviously backs us away from them. We don’t have perspective on relationships, it won’t work out.
This is one reason that makes me extremely critical when the subject is Afro-centric relationships. Black men are not obliged to understand us if they don’t want to, but they DO have an obligation to respect us and to be frank, be honest about what they seek when they come to us. Black men need to read more about the issues facing their sisters, to put themselves in our place.
It is not easy for me to come exposing such a situation, knowing all the orixás (deities) of my anxieties and all of my sisters who feel the same as me. It’s not easy to say that I can’t flirt, that when a guy approaches I am rude and hostile, I don’t want to, but at the same time I want to, but feel lazy and too afraid to experience all that misery again.
Enough! I don’t have it psychologically to suffer any more, so I decide have relationships just for pleasure and casualness, but if I don’t know how to be like that, in a moment I will collapse and feel depressed again, feeling used. The guy goes out with you and the next day he doesn’t even ask if you’re alive.
Men are more focused on their EGO, there’s no way.
We are more focused on making money, of course, because it matters to us in focusing on love first, when we are surrounded by selfishness and our histories always intersect with ‘the mother who picked up the alcoholic father, who separated from him and raised her children alone, that the family didn’t help and when they helped they threw it in her face and etc, etc, etc.” Now we struggle to reverse these histories. But we still want to have hope that in “X” moment someone will appear with good will and patience to be at our side.
Good luck to those who believe.
I do not believe in it any more. I have my world, my surroundings and my life and poor from those that dare to approach.
– The blame it on Feminism. They say, I don’t know anything and they use vain arguments to invalidate the fact we pull back.
The fault is not mine, nor his sister, let alone feminism. The fault is all that that destroys our lives in many ways and walks away as if nothing had happened.
All the suffering I saw my mother go through, all the suffering that I have experienced and experience is the real culprit of my anguish, anger, radicalism, whatever you wish to call it, but be careful with the words, parça (partner).Don’t forget the power that they have and that they influence many things.
We only have each other; we should really give ourselves a lot of love, only love for one another is what constructs.
Cristiane Santana, 27, Educafro student from Santos.
Source: Blogueiras Negras