Note from BW of Brazil: So the debate continues. I know that some people will ask why the necessity of covering the topic of black female solitude. The simple response would be that so many black women are talking about this. Between personal discussions, continuous debates in social networks over the topic and the personal messages that I receive, it is a topic that is simply too important to ignore. An issue can never be resolved without an open discussion and debate.
Just in the past few days this author received messages from a black woman and a black man pointing the finger at the other party. The woman informed me of a black man who circulates and is well-known in black militant circles. She went on to explain how he may have a good name among his male friends, but among black women he has developed a reputation for treating women in ways that are beyond disrespectful. The accusations? He maintains sexual relations with various women (some of whom he video records the escapades), has children with them and doesn’t support them. On the other hand, I received a message from a black man about “angry black women” who insist on blaming black men for the single status of so many black women.
The shame is that I receive reports of this sort from various cities around Brazil and with both sides pointing fingers and making accusations, the divide between BM/BW continues to grow. Some would argue that this divide has always existed and is too wide to mend now. One black woman in Rio told me that after waiting for a black man for so long and consistently being either ignored or hurt, she finally threw in the towel and married a white man. Of course the “universalists” out there will ask, “what’s the problem with that?” Well, one, “universalism” doesn’t solve the problems of the black community. And two, individually there’s no problem, but separate yourself from this belief for a second and ask this question: what benefit does widespread miscegenation bring to the black community? This is not the place for that debate so here are the thoughts of another black woman.
I, black woman and one certainty
by Cris Santana
Sometimes it’s hard to touch on such a sensitive issue, especially when the one addressing the subject is the one who experiences it. But today, I have in mind this very dark (situation). We need to talk only of the loneliness of black women, but also of the anxiety that surrounds most of us, the certainty that we will grow old alone.
Many of us, young women still, already have a notion of this mark. It seems to burn and together with it, it has a lot of history, a lot of pain, being passed over, physical violence, abuse, lies … fears.
Are we going to die alone?
Our mothers and our grandmothers suffered in silence for years, they accepted all kinds of submission in return for maintaining failed marriages next to our fathers to give us the minimum of a good education and comfort. My mother managed to break free of my father’s abuse, but since then, only she knows what she suffered raising two young children alone, how much hunger we went through and how many insults that she had to hear even from her own family.
My mother died alone without a partner and without the least bit of respect or affection.
I recently discovered that I have a very strong difficulty in involving myself in romantic relationships. And then, here is the preoccupation that comes to my mind “Will I end up like mainha (my mother)?” I don’t want this for me and I’ve been fighting to reverse this situation, but that aiming at the financial issue investing in education with dedication to achieve the first step which is getting into college – I live alone, but I’ll live with money!!
I know where I’m going I won’t take anything, but what I expect is to at least have dignity and good living conditions and that my son is well.
But what about the affectionate side, how will it go? I can’t see the solution.
There were so many abuses, aggressions of various forms, the levity coming from my old brief relationships and that insistently lasted. Our partners don’t make reflections on our experiences, they think that we are dramatic and radical and this obviously backs us away from them. We don’t have perspective on relationships, it won’t work out.
This is one reason that makes me extremely critical when the subject is Afro-centric relationships. Black men are not obliged to understand us if they don’t want to, but they DO have an obligation to respect us and to be frank, be honest about what they seek when they come to us. Black men need to read more about the issues facing their sisters, to put themselves in our place.
It is not easy for me to come exposing such a situation, knowing all the orixás (deities) of my anxieties and all of my sisters who feel the same as me. It’s not easy to say that I can’t flirt, that when a guy approaches I am rude and hostile, I don’t want to, but at the same time I want to, but feel lazy and too afraid to experience all that misery again.
Enough! I don’t have it psychologically to suffer any more, so I decide have relationships just for pleasure and casualness, but if I don’t know how to be like that, in a moment I will collapse and feel depressed again, feeling used. The guy goes out with you and the next day he doesn’t even ask if you’re alive.
Men are more focused on their EGO, there’s no way.
We are more focused on making money, of course, because it matters to us in focusing on love first, when we are surrounded by selfishness and our histories always intersect with ‘the mother who picked up the alcoholic father, who separated from him and raised her children alone, that the family didn’t help and when they helped they threw it in her face and etc, etc, etc.” Now we struggle to reverse these histories. But we still want to have hope that in “X” moment someone will appear with good will and patience to be at our side.
Good luck to those who believe.
I do not believe in it any more. I have my world, my surroundings and my life and poor from those that dare to approach.
– The blame it on Feminism. They say, I don’t know anything and they use vain arguments to invalidate the fact we pull back.
The fault is not mine, nor his sister, let alone feminism. The fault is all that that destroys our lives in many ways and walks away as if nothing had happened.
All the suffering I saw my mother go through, all the suffering that I have experienced and experience is the real culprit of my anguish, anger, radicalism, whatever you wish to call it, but be careful with the words, parça (partner).Don’t forget the power that they have and that they influence many things.
We only have each other; we should really give ourselves a lot of love, only love for one another is what constructs.
Cristiane Santana, 27, Educafro student from Santos.
Source: Blogueiras Negras
The problem is that this is a circle. Many black men are raised by single moms. The effect of a young boy raising without a father is devastating, even more than for girls (just look at any prison system in the world and men raised without fathers is by far the most common denominator). These men will seek relation with black women, have children and not raised them, as they never develop the moral skills they would have if a father figure was around. The children born from these broken households will be raised in very similar conditions as their parents and everything starts again.
To be honest and quite sadly I have absolutely no idea how this can be broken. No welfare program can ever substitute a father. Programs targeted to educate young boys at young age on these matters could perhaps ameliorate, although not solve the problem. But seeing how society neglect black men always to the lowest priority in any matter (black women are of course not in paradise, but one cannot compare it in terms of attention from the state), I do not see this happening even in a distant future.
Well i will soon fix that problem kkkk 😉
This happen in the USA also.
The problem.that I see as a blackman in relation to other men that look like me…Amnesia! All the struggle and heartache we endured and many of us act (Brand New) in this day and time. Lack of historical knowledge and context is a huge problem that needs to be addressed. Being black has become synonymous with black and male…Sistas Need Not Apply! I gotta say this. The nationalist movements that took place in the latter part of the 20th Century were male-focused in nature. They were primarily aimed at empowering blackmen, not blacks as a whole. Reading about the militant brotha faking the funk…Yep That’s Us! Advice to sistas in Brazil, don’t get caught up in that foolishness. Listen to the words of a man? Just because a brotha loves sleeping with sunkissed women doesn’t mean he’s ride or die. It’s much deeper than that. The sexual stereotypes are castrating us, which make it hard to build strong black families. We’re the only race of men that think it wise to not fully commit and build up from within. Impregnating scores of sistas and ditching responsibility have devastated black youth in the US and globally as well. Black Love is more than a slogan…It’s Freedom! We need our women to exist on this planet…Badly!
You sound like a Black Male Feminist with skewed views that Black Women are victims. They are not. They are adults with free will and capable of making their own conscious decisions. If they have become a single mother, that is probably by choice or wrong choosing of a man. Black women are their own separate entity with their own agenda & motive different that Black Men. I suggest you stop defending them because you aren’t in a social standing to help them nor do they respect you as a Black man.
Also, they are better off with non-Black men. I suggest you stop following a Black Feminist ideology because it does not benefit you. In fact, Black Women are willing to usurp you to get a better deal and only “settle” with Black Men. You speak against Black men, yet, Black Women see you the same way. No matter the nationality. Your going to have to accept Black Women in general,do not like or respect you. Nor want you to be a provider, protector, or leader of your household.
It does not matter the social standing or stature. You typed this comment in 2015. I guarantee that Black Women neither care nor desire to be with Black Men. Only after their interracial relationships don’t work, being in their mid to late 30s, or having multiple kids with different men, then they want to be saved. Also, there are ALOT of Black Women with mixed children who are single.
Have you talked about them? Of course not because it does not fit with your female victimhood ideology. You will learn, sooner or later, Black Women don’t care about us and only for there for own prosperity & survival. And she can do it with you. Good luck with being a male feminist.