Black men and relationships with black women

Note from BW of Brazil: Similar to my previous post that discussed the importance of understanding what it is to be a black man in Brazilian society, as the dialogue on the state of black Brazil continues, the discussion must inevitably turn to the relationship between black men and black women. As we’ve seen over the course of numerous previous posts, black Brazilian women have been very successful in bringing the issue of the solidão da mulher negra (loneliness of the black woman) to the level of national debate.

For at least the past three years, countless articles and blog posts have been devoted to the topic. The issue is the idea that black women take much longer to secure long-lasting relationships, and some will never reach a point in their lives when they’re called esposa (wife). Many point the finger at the black Brazilian man for this enforced solitude while others blame men in general with still others blaming Brazilian society as a whole for the lowly status bestowed upon black girls and women. I’ve said it before, without the healing of the relationship between black men and black women, everything else that black Brazilians are struggling for will ultimately not matter. After all, how can there be black unity and black power if there are no black couples and black families? 

The article below doesn’t address all of the complexity of the issue, but at least the dialogue is happening…

Black men and relationships with black women

Courtesy of Correio Nagô

Couples of black men and women generally fight racism together, but not always, do black men collaborate for gender equality and fairness between white women and black women. The actress Elisa de Sena published, the day before yesterday, 01, on the site Blogueiras Negras, a “letter of a black woman to the men”. In the text, she says that the man who has a relationship with a black woman must understand that it is also his responsibility to fight against machismo. “You [man] will need to understand what it’s like to be with a black woman, you’ll have to eliminate your machismo and understand that you’re no better than her because of being a man,” Elisa points out.

The master’s student in Linguistics Studies, Maísa Boa Morte experienced at home, in family relations, the difference of treatment of a homem negro (black man) with a branca (white woman) and a negra (black woman). Maisa notes that black men protect white women when they have relationships with them. The communicator says that an uncle of hers, when he was dating a black woman, expected her to work, to show effort, but with a white woman, her uncle wanted her to be “resting” at home. “The black man, when he is with a black woman, wants his partner to be more active, study hard, work hard. He demands more of the woman because, in that case, he expects her to give him some kind of return. In the relationship with white women, things are different,” emphasizes the researcher.

The educator Maíra Fróes, who has already dealt with black men and, today, dates a white man, says that the man must fight for the end of machismo (see note one). “The whole society suffers from machismo,” she says. The teacher says that she observes co-workers having attitudes that devalue their partners, as is the case of, according to her, many adopting the hypersexual approach to black women with whom they are married. The pharmacist Israel Pacheco, who is black, states that some of his black friends prefer white women, or if she is a black woman, she has to have a privileged social status. “There are cases where the subjects believe that they have more success alongside a white woman with a seemingly better life,” he says.

Maíra Fróes says that, in the past, her boyfriend could not understand the indignations and certain positions of hers as a black woman. “It is very difficult for a white man to understand things he has never gone through. But today, he is in the confrontation with me,” she says. However, according to the professor, not always, does the black man, even politicized, know the problems faced by black women, manage to cease being sexist and collaborate in women’s empowerment. “There are men who, in the speech, manage to convince, but, in practice, continue to depreciate women,” says the educator. According to Maísa Boa Morte, men need to be partners in confronting the culture that despises women. “The change in the sexist structure of society would not be good just for the relationship between couples, but for the social conjuncture itself,” stresses Maisa.

Source: Correio Nagô

Note

1. Of course, it is not possible to judge anyone’s situation without having spoken to them, but I must make it clear that among black Brazilian men, there is a rising push back that says black women are just as guilty of having preferences for white men. I personally have noted a surprising number of black women activists involved with non-black men. I see this among everyday black women as well. Is it because they too believe that “love has no color”? Is it due to being continuously passed over by black men? Is it due to a deep preference for whiteness that no one wants to admit. It’s hard to draw a general conclusion. Speaking on this topic, I just happened to read a comment today that spoke to the issue. Although it was posted by a black man, the quote is actually from a black woman.

Translation

“I’ve never seen a white person disappointed on an amorous level with another white person and saying that’s why they will only have relationships with black people to avoid disappointment, now I see black people doing it all the time. Veiled self-hatred, you know? It’s the most pathetic argument you’ve ever used to talk about “palmitagem” (see note two) and solidão da mulher negra (loneliness of the black woman).”

2. Term created to define black men (or people) who seem to have a preference for having relationships with white people.

Credits: Jhennifer Parada – Via: Makota De Dandalunda